what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
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