I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
