my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Randomize
