I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
new low, shannon just screamed FUCK THE IRISH to a 10 year old's face then proceeded to throw a hotdog at his parents. I think its time i take her home.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
