So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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