Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
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We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
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Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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