If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
Randomize
