Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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