My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
