I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Randomize
