There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
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