i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
