you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
