I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
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