Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
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