my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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