why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
He? As in you personified your dick?
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
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