It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
