I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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