I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Randomize
