Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Randomize
