i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
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