why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
Randomize
