I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
