I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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