so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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