if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
