Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
I FOUND THE LEGS
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
