Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I want to be your penis for a week.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
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