please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.