Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
You're completely useless in the revolution.
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Randomize
