I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
25 Of The Most Cringeworthy Internet Stalking Fails
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
21 People Who Barely Escaped Death
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.