Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(248): View more from Michigan

Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.

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(248): Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german. http://tfl.nu/j5lm

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(972): View more from Texas

i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.

(817): View more from Texas

Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.

(972): View more from Texas

ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.

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(972): i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating. (817): Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away. (972): ur like the dr phil of bizarro world. http://tfl.nu/uybr

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(650): View more from California

just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.

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(650): just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight. http://tfl.nu/nhc3

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(616): View more from Michigan

Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.

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(616): Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy. http://tfl.nu/q0bl

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...

(1-508): View more from Massachusetts

He wasn't the only one with a full load.

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(508): He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket... (1-508): He wasn't the only one with a full load. http://tfl.nu/y8kb

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(616): View more from Michigan

you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed

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(616): you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed http://tfl.nu/lgzp

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(805): View more from California

they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate

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(805): they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate http://tfl.nu/r0av

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(910): View more from North Carolina

I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.

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(910): I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight. http://tfl.nu/7vg9

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(818): View more from California

his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up

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(818): his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up http://tfl.nu/dywv

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(301): View more from Maryland

The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.

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(301): The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend. http://tfl.nu/xomb

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(416): View more from Toronto

You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...

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(416): You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere... http://tfl.nu/u20i

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(678): View more from Georgia

Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out

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(678): Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out http://tfl.nu/g5nx

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(614): View more from Ohio

My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous

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(614): My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous http://tfl.nu/febg

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs

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(321): I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs http://tfl.nu/bews

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(913): View more from Kansas

I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.

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(913): I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll. http://tfl.nu/i4my

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