Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.