if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
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