I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
I could fuck to npr.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Randomize
