Just fell off a train. Bad.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
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