So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
Found your dick twin last night
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Randomize
