if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
