You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
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