The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
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