I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
