new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
