Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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