Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Michelle Duggar likes to fuuuuck
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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