we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
Less talking, more tequila
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
