Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Randomize
