At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Randomize
