I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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