My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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