I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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