Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
You're like the curious george of whores
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
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