is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
