I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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