I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
