I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
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