you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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