its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
