I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
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