Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
