as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
