You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Randomize
